Many long-married couples will attest that marriage is a journey. You start off at one point, then navigate your way through life’s ups and downs, and ultimately, hopefully end up still together at the other end, writes Gill Lewis.
When two people meet and there is that magical long gaze, followed by a physical spark, and one of you makes that first step to ask the other out on a date, the journey of courtship begins. For some, this is a long period of flirting and getting to know one another, exploring shared interests and common ground. Tender embraces, candlelit dinners, more long gazing into each other’s eyes, and eventually a marriage proposal leading to a new chapter of commitment.
For others, the transition between meeting and popping the question, is much swifter. There are many stories of “love at first sight”, or “I knew immediately she was the one”. Racing heartbeats and early declarations of everlasting love are in fact much more common than we think. Yes, physical romance can wane, but for the most part, many happily married people over the age of 60 will tell you with a wink, “ We knew straight away we had met The One”.
“What is important for young people to realise, and we tell our grandchildren this too, is that marriage is work, but it’s worth it,” says Frank, aged 68. From the first moment he and Maddie met at a cousin’s wedding they wanted to spend every moment in each other’s company. The effects of mutual attraction have enormous benefits to both our emotional and physical well-being, and it’s no surprise that a large area of psychology is devoted to the study of relationships. As a species, we are hotwired to seek out a mate, and form a long-lasting bond.
Once we find that mate and decide to formalise it with a marriage ceremony, our community (family and friends) are invited to celebrate it with us, wish us well, and help to reinforce that bond. Marriage is very much a community undertaking, and as such, our close circle are part of it. Couples are seen as unified, but separateness and individuality should also be encouraged.
As human beings, the importance of following our dreams such as separate career paths and self-actualisation should not be underestimated, but having said that, the joy of having a partner to share it with, is equally important.
TWO HEADS ARE BETTER THAN ONE
The reason this old saying is true, is because life seldom goes according to plan. Committed couples are better at problem solving and decision making, and the most fundamental element is communication.
“When I found myself at an impasse in my career, we discussed it over the course of several weeks, and ultimately, our decision was to sell the family home, down-scale, and invest in our own business,” says Gina, 46.
Such a decision cannot be taken lightly, nor can it be made unilaterally by only one person in a marriage. Furthermore, achieving the goals set for their new business, requires daily communication and mutual understanding. Ultimately, no problem in life is too big when couples speak openly, and listen actively to each other.
WHO RULES THE ROOST?
In patriarchal times, boys were raised to be breadwinners, and girls were raised to be homemakers, and this status quo survives as long as the union consists of two consenting adults. It was considered the natural order of things, and is still completely acceptable even in modern times, provided that the arrangement suits BOTH parties.
If, however, you are both career driven, or both have to work towards joint financial pursuits, then it follows that “ work” within the home domain is shared. Children especially benefit from relationships with both parents, and this is evident in their development as people. Happy adults raise confident and happy individuals
CHALLENGING THE STATUS QUO
The idea that certain areas are “women’s work”, or cleaning the car is “dad’s job”, is perpetuating the stereotypes of patriarchal arrangements, and one can easily see how conflicts arise daily in individual-income families as they grapple with the “new normal”. Each family should decide how best to share responsibilities (big and small) and who does what, but when small domestic disputes inevitably arise, the best advice is not to sweat the small stuff. Our children are watching and learning from us subliminally, every minute of every day.
They learn conflict management within the dynamics of family relationships long before they go to school, and certainly way before they meet their own mate. It is widely accepted (even expected) now that both sexes study hard and work hard towards reaching fulfilling careers, therefore both sexes should be reared with domestic skills too. Teach boys and girls to make their beds, sweep the yard, and help with gardening. Make it fun while engendering a sense of self-responsibility.
They will thank you for it later, or their future spouse will.
WHY MARRIAGES SURVIVE
If you were to poll a thousand people right now, you would get almost as many answers. People will tell you what works for them. The overarching theme, though, will be one of shared goals, mutual respect, and most important of all, the intention of wanting to ensure their partner’s happiness. In the words of Dr Phil, who in many ways saved my own marriage many years ago: “Every day I wake up, I ask myself, how can I make my partner’s life better today?”
If we only remember one thing, which is, we are either contributing to, or contaminating our relationship every day, then we can start to see how we are responsible for not only our own happiness, but also the well-being of our relationship. Every shared joke, every kind word of encouragement… these are the small daily contributions that keep us together as a team.
Marriage is a shared journey. Enjoy the ride.
- Gill celebrated her 30th anniversary in February 2025.
